Craps I get everyday in my inbox...

This is not a mail actually, but kinda funny so I thought i'll share it with you guys,
Yesterday when I was on my bed, just then my girlfriend came up jumping,

"Hey my mobile ring tone is kinda old and boring"

I was feeling sleepy so I said –"Okay!! Congrats…"

She said- "Congrats?? What for??"

I said- "That you discovered your ring tone is boring"

I was skeptical about her ring tone because ever since she downloaded it, everyday she forced me to listen to it and praise it..

She made a long face and said – "I want a new ring tone."

I was tired like hell so I said – "Ohh okay fine, I'll try to find one..."

She said – "NOW!!!"

I said-"No honey, I am tired, I'll get you one, but NOT NOW…"

She said –"I want it NOW….."

When you are up against a woman, A woman whom you love (even by mistake..), you've got no chance. I knew that there's no point arguing because either way I wouldn't get to sleep, So I decided to give up and search the ring tone for her

I switched on my Computer opened Google n searched for Ring tones.
Google gave me a bunch of sites, I opened some random sites in new tabs (God bless Opera!), then suddenly I saw this site –
Free ring tones -http://www.thethinktanksoftware.com/ringtones.html

I was like wow, why the hell do I need to spend my $$ when I can get ring tone for free, so I clicked on the link, and I had this page open saying –

"Every has a ring tone now is your chance to get yours. Try and be cool for once and download a fresh tone today."

So far so good, I was impressed. So went on reading –

"Shakira has the # 1 ring tone right now and you can download it now. It's super easy just enter you cell number and confirm a text message you get."

"Hummmm!!! So does it mean that Shakira too uses this site??" I asked my self...

"The latest rage right now is the mosquito ring tone. This is the ring tone that only kids under
20 can hear and is currently used by many kids because they can use it in school without adults hearing the ring"

Wait a minute….Did I read Mosquito Ring tone???? Is it like a mosquito buzzing in your ears, every time you try to sleep??

"Hell!! Who would be so stupid to download a mosquito buzz in his mobile??" I asked my girlfriend, laughing lightly.

She gave me a nasty look and said – "I do..."

I said – "No, you don't. You are kidding, aren't ya?"

She said – "Look at my face, do I look like i am kidding..."

I said – "Duh!! Why the do you want this mosquito ring tone?? Ain't you enough to ruin my naps??"

Ignoring the second part of my question She said- "You are stupid, didn't you see, the website is saying that it's the latest buzz and since I am under 20 I can hear it and no body will know that my cell phone is buzzing.."

I said – "Ehh, they are businessmen, they would sell crap saying it's the most precious stuff of the world , it's their job..."

She said – …..

I said -…..

And blah blah blah...

So I ended up downloading that mosquito ring tone for her mobile, proving again the fact that If you are up against a beautiful woman, specially whom you love, you've got no chance.
That's the moment and this is the moment, I haven't slept even for a minute. WHY?? Because whenever I try to sleep her "NEW, NOT SO BORING, LATEST BUZZ OF THE MARKET" ring tone starts buzzing, giving me a feeling that I am surrounded by a thousand mosquitoes….Like I have not had enough….

YAWN…………………….

Posted by The Webmaster at 5:35 AM | Permalink | Comments

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of
golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent
to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
we'll haveapologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened
the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
you. You see, I'm a g enie, and I've been trapped in
that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a
year for! the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the
least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy
life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes
will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural
disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your
wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
houses. What do you think?"

She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, "You
know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the
woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun,
the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"

Posted by The Webmaster at 5:19 AM | Permalink | Comments

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

Posted by The Webmaster at 5:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

JANUARY BABY--------------------


Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored.Fussy . Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth, Stubborn.



FEBRUARY BABY --------------------

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn.Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.



MARCH BABY --------------------

Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.



APRIL BABY -------------------

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer evryone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around.Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. hott but has brains.



MAY BABY -----------------

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered.Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards oppisite sex.Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves todream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good
imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.




JUNE BABY -------------

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck,you've got the looks for it!!!



JULY BABY --------------

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed.Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable.Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.



AUGUST BABY ---------------

outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. selfconfident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing.loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone".longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring.always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious.independent. strong willed. a fighter.



SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself.Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems.Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional.Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand



OCTOBER BABY -------------------

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.



NOVEMBER BABY --------------------

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Hot, sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful(careful!), but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind and its very hard to stay away from them. Their gravity pulls in. These people are extremely magnetic.



DECEMBER BABY ---------------

This straight-up means ur the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

Posted by The Webmaster at 5:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

Bank Balance
First Week : 10000
Second Week : 1000
Third Week : 100
Fourth week : 10

Conveyance
First Week : Auto ("I can afford it")
Second Week : Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")
Third Week : Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Fourth week : Walk ("Good for health")

Girl friends
First Week : Eena, Meena, Tina ("I can BUY love")
Second Week : Meena, Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Third Week : Tina ("I am loyal to her")
Fourth week : "Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"

Mobile Maintenance
First Week : Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Second Week : Restricted outgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")
Third Week : Rare outgoing calls (" Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Fourth week : Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")


And last....but not the least...





Eating out
First Week : "Come, let's go to TGIF and freak out!"
Second Week : "Man, there is nothing in Hut . Let's go to Food Street ."
Third Week : "The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?"
Fourth week : "Heavy Fats are injurious to health"

Posted by The Webmaster at 1:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Last But not the Least



31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Posted by The Webmaster at 4:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

Banta was bragging to his boss one day," You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

At the White House, Bush spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from Poland , and I have known the Pope a long time." So they fly to Rome .

Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Banta says, "This will never work. I cannot catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I will come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says,

"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
'Who is that on the balcony with Banta?'"

Posted by The Webmaster at 4:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

Rohit wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Rohit looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Rohit asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

Moral of the Story
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20,000.00
Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS

Posted by The Webmaster at 5:22 AM | Permalink | Comments

1. When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's
crying in her heart.


2. When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best
to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an
apology.

3. A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which
is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him' after the
relationship's over.)

4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute
of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.

5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she
will melt.

6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually not sure how to
react to them.

7. When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would
start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a
friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?

8. If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.

9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her
alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.

10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings
and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why
most girls like writing journals).

11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in anyway.

12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.

13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may
act look uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is
back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start
telephoning her friends to spread the news.

14. A smile means a lot to a girl.

15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her
get to know you.

16. If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to
study, leave.

17. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.

18. Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.

19. Hearing the words "I love you" is a great reassurance to a girl
that she is beautiful.

20. After a girl falls in love with a guy, she'll wonder why she
never noticed him before.

21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance
stories.

22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is
standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.

23. A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she
loves now stays in her heart.

24. Girls love having fun!

25. A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.

26. A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and
going through.

27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close
to their 'prettier' friend.

28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that
order.

29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL
girls want a guy who will love and care for them.

30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.

31. Girls always hope that they can always remain as friend with
their ex. But never know how !

Posted by The Webmaster at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

1. “While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now,’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.”


2. “This one actually happened at Harvard University in October 2005 in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, ‘If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?’ ‘That’s correct,’ responded the professor, going on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, ‘Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?’ After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class…and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor’s reply was classic… Totally straight-faced he answered her question, ‘It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.'’


3. “It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ My entire family–aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.”


4. “One of the funniest “most-embarrassing-moment” stories I’ve come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.’ That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’”

5. Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the
hard way when I swung by my son's campus quite early in the morning during a business trip.
Locating what I thought was the building he lived in, I rang the doorbell. "Yeah?" a voice called from inside. "Does Dylan Housman live here?" "Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front porch. We'll drag him in later."

Posted by The Webmaster at 5:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

10. ummmmmm


9. ugggghhh



8. errrrrrr


7. I think.......ehh..



6. hummmmm.....


5. Well.....lets see........


4. ummmm..bah....


3. what did you ask again...............


2. ehhhhh.........


1. They have boobs.

Posted by The Webmaster at 9:02 AM | Permalink | Comments

Dear Diary,

I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!!
And I like it already.

"Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman -
Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my
designation.

"What the f!@#!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love it
when my parents are happy...



Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can't wait to get
my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope
Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is the
beginning of great things.



P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from
the institute OD, OM and HR should help me grow
rapidly in the organization. And I WILL handle soft
issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.



July 28th

Dear Diary,

Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had
recruited me had left a month ago. So they didn't know
I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one.



I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time
being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with
Corporate Communication.

The phone doesn't work though...



August 2nd

Dear Diary,

Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV
and then asked me how I managed to get a job with
them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..)
He told me to review our material ordering system in
the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue
noisy machine section" of the plant.



Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us"
campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got
me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a
photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for
ads. I am going to be famous.



August 7th

Dear Diary,

My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel
ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula.
It takes into account item cost, holding cost and
weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave
me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition
contract form. He is obviously not an MBA...



Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the
"Our Employees Love Us" campaign.



P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a
ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers.



August 11th

Dear Diary,

I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked
up with Engineering.

They said that should be enough for around 14 years of
requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest
in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings
go up, I see a lot of potential savings.



I have decided to develop informal channels of
communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little
time next to the coffee machine to understand the
unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.

(That OD book is good)



August 14th

Dear Diary,

I sent my first official letter today. It was to our
Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I
told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time
to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format
and all with a table of contents and everything. She
is sure going to be impressed!! I spell checked it in
MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply
yet.



They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign.
The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and
people were being forced to stay late without extra
pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner.
It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to
model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a
dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang
for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...



P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again
4384. The contract can't be changed now. I dont have
too much space left in my cupboard.



August 25th

Dear Diary,

My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from
Merry. "Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my
boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell
check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!!

Where's natural justice?



Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door
broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the
ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the
board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing
which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee
machine and tipped coffee powder into the polymer
mixing matching tray. No one saw anything.



P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed.
There was a mail from an old friend. She's now married
into the Welchia family I think.

Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...



September 2nd

Dear Diary,

My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I
was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent
in less than three months!!

That should be some sort of company record.



I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some
300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes.
Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during
the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was
open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed.
The presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the
feeling show!!"



p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give
each employee a ball bearing for every year of
service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting
with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.



September 4th

Dear Diary,

I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan
Africa . I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot
Water Geyser products division. They have also told me
to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it
speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been
told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.



P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!



September 5th

Dear Diary,

I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...

Posted by The Webmaster at 3:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it!"

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew

Posted by The Webmaster at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments